This Side of Death

[cineater]

Funny out of all the things my son has bought and lost in this whirlwind of a midlife crisis, he still has his Zippo lighter collection.  I started him on that when he was 17, maybe 16.  The kid wasn't born to me but sometimes he is so like me.  I'd just like to say, when I turned him over to his wife, he had no criminal record, no babies out of wedlock and made a lot more money than me.  His girlfriend's son still hasn't regained consciousness.  He stretches like he is about to wake up but goes back under.  Anyway, he has a birthday coming up.  It's fun to shop for Zippo lighters again.  I got him this one:

[cineater]

I was driving through the valley today.  It's a place that inspired a lot of my writing a while back.  It was just open fields then, many large hunting birds and a coyote I favored.  Today it's wall to wall warehouses.  No open space left.  I saw one of the hunting birds killed in the middle of the road and a dead deer on the side.  Both left there to rot.  I'm not going back there any more.

My place use to be pretty protected but it's grown up around me.  It's ideal for me but because of the growth around me I've been thinking about moving on.  That old woman comes to mind.

I had one of the kids at their psychiatric evaluation and stepped outside for a smoke.  This old woman asked me for a light as I was finishing up.  I didn't pay much attention to her but she said, "I live further out now, I've been depressed my whole life".   At the time I thought it was strange.  Didn't recognize her as a former client but I was also moving to get back inside and she was turning to walk away.  Later though, when I had a minute to reflect back, I thought that was me.  That old woman was me.  Is depression my whole life the reason?

So a couple takeaways from that.  I do move out to a more remote area.    But she caught up to me at a psychiatric clinic.  Depressed her whole life the diagnosis and still smoking?     Fuck!

[cineater]

Funny out of all the things my son has bought and lost in this whirlwind of a midlife crisis, he still has his Zippo lighter collection.  I started him on that when he was 17, maybe 16.  The kid wasn't born to me but sometimes he is so like me.  I'd just like to say, when I turned him over to his wife, he had no criminal record, no babies out of wedlock and made a lot more money than me.  His girlfriend's son still hasn't regained consciousness.  He stretches like he is about to wake up but goes back under.  Anyway, he has a birthday coming up.  It's fun to shop for Zippo lighters again.  I got him this one:

Does that look like a red back gorund to you/!     That's the way it came, totally dulls out the colors of the mask.

[cineater]

I sent an email to my news channel suggesting they do a piece on how being a mother had changed with the women's liberation movement from the 70's.  We have the 3 generations, the mom's at that time, the daughters who went forward with the idea and the children who were raised from it, now raising their own families.  I know my mother is always surprised by how different her granddaughters' family life is from how hers was, the husband is more involved in raising the kids.  I was told I could "bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan", you know, fuck you, I'm burning the candle at both ends.  And then my daughter who is the primary breadwinner and the husband is the stay at home parent.  Thought it would make a good piece but I don't want to be on TV.   

[cineater]

April 1, 2018 my official retirement date.     7 years, I'm pretty lucky.

[cineater]

Grandma said she wanted me to have her wedding rings.  Somehow the wedding band ended up on my mother's finger for the last 50 years.  I've been waiting all this time to get the set together again.  Mom turned it over to me today.  She has gotten too skinny to wear it any more due to her age.  Now it means something different to me.  I'm not feeling very comfortable wearing it.

[cineater]

And now I feel naked.    Dropped the rings off at the jeweler.  One ring to be resized, both dipped and appraisals.  Funny how you don't know your rings are there but add another one or take them off and it just feels strange.

Hang on, I looked up dipping and platinum rings don't need that for protection.  That was big bucks too.  I like the look of platinum.  Really hate when the band of a ring out shines the stone in it.  I'm cancelling that.

[cineater]

I am losing my fucking mind.  Somehow last night I went from retipping the rings which is what I wanted and paid for, to thinking I paid for them to be dipped.  I'm not even sure how I did that.   

Really, am I at the beginning stages of one of those brain diseases?  Talk to people about it and they give me all kinds of explanations for no I'm not, I've got something else going on, could be.  Okay, admittedly I have been a space case all my life, if it doesn't really interest me, I'm not paying that close of attention, just getting the task done.  And I have always been a multitasker.  The shit I can accomplish when I'm moving even I'm surprised later when I stop and think about it.  You know, I've got through the lightning round.     And it is allergy season, my eyes are swollen all the time and I'm in a fog.  I know I'm moving pretty fast with all I have going on so I'm double checking everything at the end of the day while trying to finish shit up, catching all the little mistakes or things I've forgot, each one of those hitting hard on the question of am I losing my fucking brain.  I'm making myself crazy.   

[cineater]

Fuck!     People at the garden are already saying they don't know how I do it.  They are talking about multitasking.  Shhh, don't let the two girls I'm training to take my place hear you.     One of them is already saying I can't do some of it.  She needs to learn the fine art of coordinating and delegating.  They're volunteers they love to help.     We're mid plant sale and getting the gardens up.  There's a lot going on and I have my fingers in all of it.  It will be fine by the end of May.

Maybe I shouldn't give it up.  The more shit I have to get done, the more I've got all the details being checked off in my head.  Maybe my problem is when I'm not kicking my own ass, I let go of my full attention?

So the rings, god do they shine.  Too clean for me to wear at the moment.  They look good together but I'm going to check, since I downsized the one mom was wearing if she can wear it now.  I know how weird I felt when the one I had was at the jeweler.  She must be feeling the same about the one she was wearing.  She wore it for 50 years.  I can wait to get the set back together.  Then it would be a reminder of my mom instead of a reminder now she is very old.  I already signed for it out of the estate but I can sign it back in.

[cineater]

When one is offered the gift of time, one should probably do something.  But it's a rainy day, the couch looks so comfy and my eyelids are so heavy.  Just until the pain pill kicks in and then I'll get moving.  I can always create more time by staying up late.   

[cineater]

Happy Easter.   

Not really doing much here.  I got the grandbaby a sandbox for Easter.  My last day for watering in the greenhouse.  Got the milkweed ready for the parks to pick up on Tuesday.  Getting ready to kick out the marigolds, zinnias and sunflowers to get harden off so they can come get them next week.  Their Brown Eyed Susans are about ready to be transplanted.

Marsha and I always spent Easter working in the garden.  Missing her today.