A newb's guide to black metal

[Walk]

Here are the most important bands and things you need to know about black metal. Enjoy!

The bands
Kiss- Created black metal. Their corpse paint shows how blasphemous and evil they are. Their most famous album, Destroyer, is all about destruction (um, what else?), and is the ultimate example of early black metal.

Metallica- Jump in the Fire, one of their most popular early songs, encouraged people to jump in the glorious hell that is black metal. If fire doesn't feel good to your skin, you're too wimpy to like black metal. The black album is probably the best black metal album in the past 15 years.

Mercyful Fate- Poseur metal. The vocals aren't screamed, the production is too good, and the guitarists are too skilled. Just a bunch of 4th rate Kiss rip offs. Avoid.

Living Colour- A black black metal band?! No. They're black on the outside, but they're really pure and white on the inside, not evil at all. Black metal fans might be white on the outside, but... Oh wait, nevermind.

Burzum- It used to be really esoteric. But then it became popular, so it's not esoteric anymore. Avoid.

Cradle of Filth- Probably the best black metal band out there today.

Dimmu Borgir- Rivaled only by Cradle of Filth in evilness.

The terms

Esoteric- This is a cryptic quality that only black metal has, yet no one can accurately describe. Don't ask. If you don't understand, you're not tr00 or kvlt enough. Don't get that dictionary either, that's cheating!

Christianity- Christianity is destroying Europe. It's only been downhill for the last 1500 years. Things were much, much better before then. Trust me.

Aryans- What you are, because only Indo-Europeans can like black metal. Scientific IQ tests have shown that we are smarter than Africans, so we should sacrifice them all to our lord Baphomet. Of course, any test showing Jews or Asians are more intelligent is a lie, don't believe it.

Ecofascism- Our form of governance. Think Nazis in a cold, dark, Northern forest dressed like Kiss and you'll get the idea.

Vinyl- The only medium capable of holding black metal. It must be black, and served cold. A single work of black metal can't be reproduced to more than about 500 records, or else it's not esoteric anymore.

This thread- Is a joke. Feel free to add your own suggestions based on both deserved and undeserved stereotypes of black metal music. 

[ClintroN]

Cradle of Filth- Probably the best black metal band out there today.

Best black album from Crade would have to be 'Dusk and Her Embrace'

my fav's 'Midian'

[hyperionmax2003]

Metallica- The black album is probably the best black metal album in the past 15 years.

Posted on: Today at 10:11:15 PM Posted by: Walk
Yeah, but the best black metal album from Metallica is def. Master of Puppets

[Walk]

Yes, the master is clearly Beelzebub, and Leper Messiah is his messenger. They both dwell in the Sanitarium in the 9th level of hell. Excellent observation!

[ClintroN]

i'd call Master of Puppets thrash rather then black.

[Izzy]

Here are the most important bands and things you need to know about black metal. Enjoy!

The bands
Kiss- Created black metal. Their corpse paint shows how blasphemous and evil they are. Their most famous album, Destroyer, is all about destruction (um, what else?), and is the ultimate example of early black metal.

Metallica- Jump in the Fire, one of their most popular early songs, encouraged people to jump in the glorious hell that is black metal. If fire doesn't feel good to your skin, you're too wimpy to like black metal. The black album is probably the best black metal album in the past 15 years.

Mercyful Fate- Poseur metal. The vocals aren't screamed, the production is too good, and the guitarists are too skilled. Just a bunch of 4th rate Kiss rip offs. Avoid.

Living Colour- A black black metal band?! No. They're black on the outside, but they're really pure and white on the inside, not evil at all. Black metal fans might be white on the outside, but... Oh wait, nevermind.

Burzum- It used to be really esoteric. But then it became popular, so it's not esoteric anymore. Avoid.

Cradle of Filth- Probably the best black metal band out there today.

Dimmu Borgir- Rivaled only by Cradle of Filth in evilness.

Hmm- Kiss and Metallica black metal? Okay....

[Walk]

I just thought of another one.

Marilyn Manson- An evil black metaller named after a babe and a serial killer, how kvlt! He inspired 2 kids to go on a killing spree in their school. Due to our absolute disregard for the 1st Amendment, that's almost as good as burning a church!

[psycotron]

jimi hendrix is the first black metal guitarist. im not racist

[N.I.B]

Black Metal - The art of screaming shred music with techno-like keyboards. A spin-off of Dio music.
Satan - The origin of black metal. If the songs don't worship him, then it isn't black metal. Thus, Christains don't listen to black metal.
Keyboards - Essiental
Vocals - If you can understand the singer, then it ain't black metal.

 

[Walk]

And, if actual words must absolutely be used in a song, they must be in a Germanic tongue, excluding English.