The Joke Thread

[Markus Asraelius]

Who's there?

[Markus Asraelius]

Here's a blonde joke (I know a few jokes):

What will a blonde say when you tell her she's pregnant?

Answer: Is it mine?

[Narcissa]

hahaha mark, that was great.

Izzy, who's there ?

[*Izzy*]

Who's there?

A blonde*

*_{I'm not a blonde though ?}

Here's a blonde joke (I know a few jokes):

What will a blonde say when you tell her she's pregnant?

Answer: Is it mine?

This jokes stupid but it's all I can think of now:
Q. What did the blonde invent
A. The glass hammer

I warned you that my jokes suck

  Izzy ?

[Narcissa]

that knock knock one definitely sucked balls, I have to say



Q - A black guy and a latino guy are in a car. Who's driving ?

A - The cops.

[*Izzy*]

that knock knock one definitely sucked balls, I have to say



Q - A black guy and a latino guy are in a car. Who's driving ?

A - The cops.

Youre supposed to reply to the Knock Knock jokes, not post racist ones? But since you got to do a racist one so do I:
Q. What do ya do if you see a white man running through you're garden bleeding?
A. Reload

  Izzy?

[Narcissa]

Those aren't racist jokes. They're race-related jokes.

Most of them were made up by the people in them.
I got that cops joke from Assault on Precinct 13, and it was told by a Latino guy, to a black guy.

[N.I.B]

that knock knock one definitely sucked balls, I have to say



Q - A black guy and a latino guy are in a car. Who's driving ?

A - The cops.

Youre supposed to reply to the Knock Knock jokes, not post racist ones? But since you got to do a racist one so do I:
Q. What do ya do if you see a white man running through you're garden bleeding?
A. Reload

  Izzy?

alright alright

How do you get 100 Jews in a car? Throw in a Quarter
How do you get 100 Jews out? Tell 'em Hitlers driving.

Q:Whats a Jew's biggest delima?
A: Free Pork

and one more.....

Q:How do you get 3 gays guys to sit on a bar stool?
A: Turn it upsidedown.

[*Izzy*]

I always found this joke to be a tad mean:

Q.How do you tire an orphan
A. Tell him/her to clap handys clap handys till daddy comes home

I didn't know what an orphan was when I was told this...
 
Izzy?

[2NaFish]

I don't think this isn't tecniqually a joke cos the punchline is only funny cos it's definetly not a punch line. Confused? read on....


This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll
have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't
help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' And the boy
goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?'
And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when
I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish, I'd
like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie
waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me. Then the
genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet with
$1 million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every
time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.' And the genie says:
'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For
my third wish , and I regret saying this now , I'd like half my head to be a
big orange.'


I giggled for good ten minutes the first time i heard it, and still smile whenever i hear it.

[Narcissa]

that is piss-funny. Some girl told it to me in High school and I nearly died laughing.

No one ever gets it when I tell it though.

[N.I.B]

i read it three times and i still dont get it 

[*Izzy*]

I don't think this isn't tecniqually a joke cos the punchline is only funny cos it's definetly not a punch line. Confused? read on....


This guy walks into a pub and half his head is a big orange. He says: 'I'll
have a pint of lager, please.' And the barman says: 'Excuse me, I couldn't
help noticing, but half your head appears to be a big orange.' And the boy
goes: 'Yeah, had that for a while now.'

So the barman says: 'How did that come about, if you don't mind me asking?'
And the boy says: 'I was in this old junk shop when I found a lamp and when
I gave it a rub this genie appeared.

He offered me the standard three wishes, and I said: 'For my first wish, I'd
like every woman I ever meet to fall madly in love with me.' So the genie
waves his genie hands and suddenly there's women looking at me. Then the
genie says: 'What will your second wish be?' I said: 'I'd like a wallet with
$1 million in it, and I can never lose it, it can't be destroyed, and every
time I spend any of the money, it'll be replenished.' And the genie says:
'Your wish is granted. Now, what will your third wish be?' So I said: 'For
my third wish , and I regret saying this now , I'd like half my head to be a
big orange.'


I giggled for good ten minutes the first time i heard it, and still smile whenever i hear it.

I don't think I get it, but I still find it damn funny ?

  Izzy ?

[2NaFish]

there's nothing to get. Basically, everyone is expecting some weird, wonderful and ultimately funny reason for half his head being an orange and it turns out the real reason reason is that he just asked for it.

It's sort of like the inversion of the classic "twelve inch pianist" joke.

[N.I.B]

k i got a good one

a man and his wife where in Isreal taking a vacation with his mother-in-law. suddenly his mother-in-law died and they had to bury her. The man was offered a $200 buriel there or $1000 shipment back to his home and buriel there. the man chose the $1000 burial. When asked why he did that, the man replaied "Look. 2000 years ago you buried a man here and he came back from the dead. i can't afford that happening with her"

[Narcissa]

ahaha !

[2NaFish]

an american, an irishman and an englishman walk into a bar and the barman says "What the hell is this? Some kind of joke?"



An american, and irishman and a scotsman are on top of the empire state building after a night of drinking. The yank turns to the irish guy and says "i bet you can jump off of this, circle round it a few times and land back on the top". The irish guy replies "Fuck off. I may be irish, but i'm not that dumb".

So the american jumps off, circles around it and lands back on top. The irishman, not wanting to be shown up, jumps off and plummets to his death. The scot turns to the american and says "You can be a right bastard when you're drunk, Superman".

[*Izzy*]

That's funny because us Irish actually don't like to be outdone? Fuck Superman

  Izzy?

[N.I.B]

an american, an irishman and an englishman walk into a bar and the barman says "What the hell is this? Some kind of joke?"



An american, and irishman and a scotsman are on top of the empire state building after a night of drinking. The yank turns to the irish guy and says "i bet you can jump off of this, circle round it a few times and land back on the top". The irish guy replies "Fuck off. I may be irish, but i'm not that dumb".

So the american jumps off, circles around it and lands back on top. The irishman, not wanting to be shown up, jumps off and plummets to his death. The scot turns to the american and says "You can be a right bastard when you're drunk, Superman".

lmao 

[Narcissa]

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.
She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
I said, "All right, but we're not going to get much done..."


A woman comes home with a duck under her arm.? Her husband meets her at the door.
She says "This is the pig I'm shagging".

"That's not a pig, it's a duck," he replies

"I was talking to the duck."


A chicken and egg have sex. Afterwards, the chicken lies around smoking a cigarette, looking very sullen.
"What's wrong?" asks the egg.
The chicken replies, "You came first."


Q: What is the most difficult part of rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents you're gay

Q: What do you call a Russian prostitute?
A: Onya Backyabitch